! - Jokes - !
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him… (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . ) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding Anniversary. Tomorrow, his wife angrily told him, there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds Flat or you are dead meat!
The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it. and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.
thanks to Jonas Benjamins
Two men were pulled over. The trooper taps on the window with his nightstick and when the driver rolls down the window - “whack”- the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
“What was that for?” the driver asks. “Shut up and give me your licence,” the officer barks. He goes back to his car, runs a check on the guy and returns when it comes up clean. He returns the licence and walks over to the passengers side. He taps on the window, the passanger rolls it down and -”whack”- the officer raps him on the head too.
“Just making your wish come true,” the trooper says.
“What wish?” the passenger asks.
The cop anwsers, ” I know that two miles down the road your’re gonna turn to your pal and say,’I wish that clown would’ve tried that crap with me!”
thanks to Cleveland Plasma from The HighDefForum
Jim And Mary
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical director became aware of Jim’s heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Jim the news he said, “Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom.
I am so sorry she’s dead.” Jim replied, “But she didn’t hang herself. I put her there to dry.”
Computer Assistance To The Max
Dell Computer Customer Assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with my computer.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“It’s a blank; it won’ t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in Windows, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.”
“Yes — the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power failure? Aha, okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then send it back to us.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“What exactly is the problem?”
“You’re too frigging stupid to own a computer.”
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy admitted that this was the case.
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you.”
Blonde Factory Worker
Two factory workers were talking. “I think I’ll take some time off from work.” said the man.
“How do you think you’ll do that?” said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her…by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
“I’m a light bulb” answered the guy.
“I think you need some time off,” said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
Thee blonde answered, “Home, I can’t work in the dark.”
Forgive Your Enemies
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued on for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent of the congregation whom raised their hands.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady seated in the rear.
“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.” This little white-haired sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly, turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived ‘em.”
Wall-Mart’s Husband Store
A Wall-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband……
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow” so she goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me! So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Wall-Mart’s Husband Store - have a nice day.
From the Kids Are Just Great Dept.
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter-haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?
When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and the Seven Dwarves for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. “See, Mom. She doesn’t like the peel either.”
Hillarious Hollywood Squares Comebacks
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous:
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false…a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes…
Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I love you”?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are “Do It,” “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get Enough”?
A: George Gobel: I don’t know but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body
- what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it’s sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from “Cheers”:
“What’s shaking, Norm?”
“All four cheeks & a couple of chins.”
“What’s new, Normie?”
“Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer.”
“What’d you like, Normie?”
“A reason to live. Give me another beer.”
“What’ll you have, Normie?”
Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap.”
“Looks like beer, Norm.”
“Call me Mister Lucky.”
“Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?”
“Like a baby treats a diaper.”
“What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?”
“The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”
“What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?”
“A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’”
“Whatcha up to, Norm?”
“My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.”
“How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No, I mean pour.”
“Women….. Can’t live with ‘em…. pass the beer nuts.”
“What’s going down, Normie?”
“My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”
“Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“Alright, but stop me at one….make that one-thirty.”
“How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.”
“What’s the story, Norm?”
“Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”
“Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“A little early, isn’t it, Woody?”
“For a beer?”
“No, for stupid questions.”
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.” ” While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire,” ” What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you “ain’t seen nuthin’” yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the
“Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the, “Send” key.
4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap
and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “Bad and invalid.”
The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses …..shouldn’t be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t
find the printer.” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal”turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put
in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2″ implied to remove Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
TECH: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
CALLER: “The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
TECH: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
CALLER: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
TECH: “Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
CALLER: “It came with my computer. I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under windows.”
The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.”
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: “O.K. Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
CUSTOMER: “I don’t have a ‘P’”.
TECH SUPPORT: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
CUSTOMER: “What do you mean?”
TECH SUPPORT: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
CUSTOMER: “I ain’t gonna to do that!”